Tomorrow, my baby turns 2. And, today, he said his first 3-word sentence..."mama no work." He has said a lot of 2-word sentences, like "it hurt", "I kick", etc. But, tonight, it was "mama no work". Whoah. It wasn't my imagination. Ben was there also. And, by about the 5th or 6th time that he said it, "mama no work", it sounded like he was pleading with me.
I sang him the usual bedtime songs with a crack in my voice and tears rolling down my face. I have been feeling like I am so lucky that I get to spend so much time with him, compared to my past job. But, when I work, which is about twice a week, I work a 24 hour shift. So, that means I don't get to tuck him in at night or greet him when he wakes up. And, I realized that what he was asking for was just that...for me to sing, rock, and read stories to him at each bedtime. Although my 24 hour shifts usually feel like an eternity without seeing him, I guess I seemed to think that he was just fine without me. And, I know he is. But, now, I also know that he misses me.
I have already thought about how hard it will be to go to the hospital to work on Christmas Eve, and be without my little family. I have thought about how difficult it will be to walk out the door leaving our new baby girl for the first time. But, I was more focused on how hard it will be for me, and now I see how hard it will be on Ben & the children.
I somehow feel that I am cheating Eli by being away at times. Maybe I am, I don't know. But, for now, I will lay in bed, grateful that I tucked him in tonight...and, even more grateful that I get to greet him first thing in the morning, with the helium filled balloons I got him after he went to bed (he has been asking for balloons that float all day).
Darling Eli, mama loves you. I hope you know that. Even when I am away.
I sang him the usual bedtime songs with a crack in my voice and tears rolling down my face. I have been feeling like I am so lucky that I get to spend so much time with him, compared to my past job. But, when I work, which is about twice a week, I work a 24 hour shift. So, that means I don't get to tuck him in at night or greet him when he wakes up. And, I realized that what he was asking for was just that...for me to sing, rock, and read stories to him at each bedtime. Although my 24 hour shifts usually feel like an eternity without seeing him, I guess I seemed to think that he was just fine without me. And, I know he is. But, now, I also know that he misses me.
I have already thought about how hard it will be to go to the hospital to work on Christmas Eve, and be without my little family. I have thought about how difficult it will be to walk out the door leaving our new baby girl for the first time. But, I was more focused on how hard it will be for me, and now I see how hard it will be on Ben & the children.
I somehow feel that I am cheating Eli by being away at times. Maybe I am, I don't know. But, for now, I will lay in bed, grateful that I tucked him in tonight...and, even more grateful that I get to greet him first thing in the morning, with the helium filled balloons I got him after he went to bed (he has been asking for balloons that float all day).
Darling Eli, mama loves you. I hope you know that. Even when I am away.
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